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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24176767">Everything Love Gives You (It Can Take Away)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_Tasha/pseuds/lil_Tasha'>lil_Tasha</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Magnum P.I. (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Juliet Higgins Whump, Juliet Higgins does indeed get a hug, Juliet Higgins needs a Hug, Miggy - Freeform, i promise its not too painful, its sad for a while but worth it at the end, soft Thomas Magnum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:49:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,005</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24176767</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_Tasha/pseuds/lil_Tasha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>As the anniversary of Richard’s death approaches, Higgins finds it just a little bit harder to cope than she did in the past. But this time, she isn’t going through it alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Juliet Higgins &amp; Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV, Juliet Higgins/Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Everything Love Gives You (It Can Take Away)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For Higgins and Magnum's relationship and characterization in this, think end of S2. It's mostly Miggy, though Kumu and the boys make an appearance, too.</p><p>Also, the show doesn't really give us much of a timeline for anything and that includes how long it's been since Richard was killed. So I'm literally just throwing a random number of years out there and hopefully it doesn't seem too outrageous.</p><p>With all of that being said, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They say that time heals all wounds. Or wounds fade as time goes on. Or something like along those lines. Whatever the saying was, Juliet Higgins called bullshit. There were just some wounds no amount of time could ever heal. Like the tear in your heart left after death stole a loved one from you. That was one thing all the time in the world couldn’t mend. What it <em> did </em> give you was the opportunity to learn to live with a severed heart.</p><p> </p><p>The five year mark of Richard’s death was rapidly approaching. Higgins could hardly believe it had been that long since her beloved fiancé had been taken from her by a man they both trusted and even called a friend. She never allowed herself to truly cope and work through her feelings. Instead, she had sought revenge, been disavowed from MI6 as a result, then moved to Hawaii where she buried the loss of Richard and the betrayal of Ian deeper and deeper with each passing year.</p><p> </p><p>Was it healthy? <em> Of course not. </em> And she knew it. Despite that, sometimes the convenience of stashing away negative feelings outweighed the benefits of working through them. At least, initially. Sure, the consequences had kept their distance for the first four years, but this was the year they <em> finally </em> caught up to her, and <em> god, </em> were they making her regret suppressing over four years worth of fluctuating emotions.</p><p> </p><p>Juliet had quickly lost count of the number of times she’d assured Kumu or one of her boys over the last six days that she was <em> fine </em> and they <em> mustn't worry. </em> It’s not like the deceit was unfamiliar on her tongue. Besides, she didn’t like being the center of attention or the cause for concern among those surrounding her, especially when she truly was okay. Kumu, Rick, and TC must have believed her enough because they stopped outright asking every given chance. Magnum, on the other hand, was rather persistent. Whether he was blatantly asking <em> “Are you okay, Higgy?” </em> or somehow skirting around the question and rephrasing it, she found his attentiveness and unwavering diligence just a little exasperating. She had also noticed the lads were being considerably clingier than usual and not so much as batting an eye in the PI’s direction whenever he was in their presence.</p><p> </p><p>The day leading up to the somber anniversary, Higgins spent an abnormal amount of time isolated in her bedroom, curtains drawn. The lads were lying in front of her door when Magnum went to seek her out and attempt to coax her from the room. She tried to be nice while shooing him away. She <em> really </em> did. Except by his fourth attempt, the tamped down sea of emotions she’d been subduing for entirely too long broke free, and drowned him in a wave of self directed rage and shame. She hadn’t meant to raise her voice in telling him off, much less yell. It just happened so fast that both of them were caught off guard by the generally so put together woman losing her grasp on her composure. Even Zeus and Apollo had receded a few steps.</p><p> </p><p>Magnum had the sense to leave her be after that, at least for a couple of hours. He came back as the sun was setting to a still closed door and two dejected looking Dobermans half asleep. They didn’t appear to acknowledge his existence until he was standing directly behind them. Apollo, he believed, lifted his head from between his paws to gaze up at him, then returned it to the floor with a <em> huff. </em> The PI swore their sadness grew since earlier, leading him to suspect Higgins hadn’t left her room at all which likely meant she went the whole day without eating. That thought alone made his already high level of worry for her spike.</p><p> </p><p>“Higgy?” he tried, gently knocking on the door. “I know you probably know this, but we care about you a lot, and we’re all worried about you. If you need anything, and I mean anything, please let us know. We’re here for you. Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>His words were met by the sounds of the lads’ soft whines and their nails scratching at the bottom of the door. They heard what his ears couldn’t—Higgins’ stifled cries as she sat with her back against the door, hands covering her mouth, and tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Magnum sighed and spun on his heel to leave, but a pair of despondent barks stopped him. Zeus and Apollo looked expectantly at him once he turned around to face them.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, guys,” he said, shrugging. “I can’t force her to let me in.”</p><p> </p><p>Zeus gave a halfhearted bark in protest, as if to say <em> she needs your help, just go in. </em> And god, he truly wished he could <em> just </em> walz into her room and extinguish her pain. Regardless, the door was locked and even if it weren’t, there were some lines that should never be crossed.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he repeated, though not only to the lads this time.</p><p> </p><p>Higgins listened as Magnum walked off, her head and chest aching the longer she fought to silence her sobs. Zeus and Apollo remained stationed on the other side of the door, whimpers chipping away at her shattered heart. She knew them leaving was contingent upon her departure from her room and although endearing, it also pained her. They weren’t only security. Their devotion to her and her wellbeing was unwavering.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay, lads,” she whispered, pulling herself off the floor to return to her bed.</p><p> </p><p>The moment her head hit the pillow, the weight of everything came crashing down, demolishing what was left of her. She vaguely registered the tightness engulfing her chest as violent sobs robbed her lungs of oxygen or the way her empty stomach twisted around nothing. And she definitely didn’t remember crying herself to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Everything hurt when she woke up and stretched out of the fetal position her body had curled into at some point during the night. She slowly sat up, despite every thought and muscle protesting against the action, and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Juliet’s aching body wasn’t aware of the migraine building behind her itchy eyes until she stood and it suddenly struck her with a blinding pain. The world tilted on its axis and up became down. She managed to catch herself in the nick of time, landing on her hands and knees on the floor. Spikes of pain shot through her head at Zeus and Apollo’s frantic barking and she squeezed her eyes shut, teeth clenched.</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere in the distance, she could hear Magnum’s voice attempting to soothe them. It only seemed to make them more agitated because their mistress was in distress and they were currently helpless. He knew they didn’t bark like this for no reason and decided Higgins could tear him a new one later for picking the lock of her door.</p><p> </p><p>The lads just about knocked the PI over in their haste to get to Higgins. Zeus sniffed the area to ensure there wasn’t a threat as Apollo stood protectively by her side. Magnum held his hands up when approaching the majordomo, establishing himself as a friendly, and Apollo allowed him to kneel next to her.</p><p> </p><p>“Higgy,” he murmured, hands fluttering around her, uncertain of what they should do. “I’m gonna help you to your bed, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t respond, but he noticed her arms beginning to tremble, and hastily lifted her off the floor. Her eyes were tightly closed and her hands balled into fists as he laid her down on the mattress. The lads hopped onto the bed to nestle behind her.</p><p> </p><p>Magnum sat on the edge of the bed and reached for her hands, holding them in his own until she slowly flexed her fingers on a long shaky exhale.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” she whispered after a couple of minutes of silence, eyes still shut. “It’s just a headache.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s rare I see your headaches get <em> this </em>bad,” he replied softly. “When was the last time you ate?”</p><p> </p><p>Her eyebrows drew together and she answered, “I’m not entirely sure. Maybe a day?” <em> More like two, </em>she then thought. Anyway, he didn’t need to know that.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you want me to make you something?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not hungry.” <em> I can’t eat. </em></p><p> </p><p>They both knew it was a blatant lie and he made sure to keep his voice gentle when inquiring, “Why aren’t you hungry?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just….not.” <em> My stomach is in knots. </em></p><p> </p><p>“You don’t even want one of your gross kale smoothies?” He tried for a little humor.</p><p> </p><p>Higgins didn’t go for it. “Magnum.” She forced her eyes open and his heart sank at the pleading look immersing them. “Drop it, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>The PI knew it wouldn’t be the wisest decision, but he also didn’t want to provide her with a reason to distance herself again. “Okay.” He gave her hands a squeeze and nodded.</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes fell closed again and exhaustion promptly swept her away within minutes. Magnum released her hands at feeling them go limp in his. Quietly, he rose and headed to the kitchen where he filled a glass with water and retrieved two Tylenol from one of the cabinets. When he returned to her room, it was to Zeus and Apollo sitting by the bed whining softly, Juliet shaking, and the bed sheets piled on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“Richard….”</p><p> </p><p>Had he not seen her lips move, he wouldn’t have known she was even speaking.</p><p> </p><p>“No. Richard, please.” Her voice was hushed and she sounded so distraught. “Richard.”</p><p> </p><p>Magnum set the water and Tylenol on her nightstand. Nearing the bed, he could see the sweat glistening on her skin, and tears trekking down her flushed cheeks. “Higgy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Richard.”</p><p> </p><p>“Higgy, it’s me,” he told her, now on his knees at her bedside. “It’s me. It’s Thomas.”</p><p> </p><p>Her face scrunched up, almost like her brain was realizing this wasn’t her Richard. “Please don’t go.” Her fingers grasped the pillow and she sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed on the exhale.</p><p> </p><p>“Higgy, wake up. Come on.” He cupped her cheek and she went still. “Open your eyes for me girl.”</p><p> </p><p>After another twenty seconds or so, the tension oozed from her body, and she startled awake.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, it’s alright,” he assured her, thumb stroking her cheek. “You’re alright. It’s just me.”</p><p> </p><p>Fresh tears burned in her eyes. “I lost him again.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry, Higgy.”</p><p> </p><p>She climbed out of the bed and crumpled to the floor. Magnum enveloped her in his arms. Higgins buried her face in his chest as sobs wreaked havoc on her already weak form.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s it. Just get it out,” he murmured, hand smoothing down her back.</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t bother him that she was sweaty and crying and probably making a mess of one of his favorite shirts<em> . </em> What bothered him was the helpless feeling this brought on because someone he cared about was in pain and he couldn’t make it disappear. But if holding her while she wept diminished that pain in the slightest, even if it was only temporarily, he would do it for eternity.</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them were sure how long they’d been on the floor with Higgins wrapped in his arms. Though when they got to their feet, he figured it had been at least twenty minutes, if not longer, because his legs ached, and so did hers. He handed her the glass of water and two Tylenol and she thanked him.</p><p> </p><p>“Even if you’re still not hungry, the guys, Kumu, and I were all gonna head down to the beach for dinner. TC made some burgers, Rick’s bringing beers, and Kumu made dessert. Did you wanna join us?”</p><p> </p><p>An unreadable expression crossed her face and he nearly regretted asking her.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” she finally answered, voice so hushed, had he not been looking at her, he wouldn’t have realized she’d spoken.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll come.” And she gave him the smallest smile she could muster. “Let me just go clean my face. I’ll be right back.”</p><p> </p><p>He smiled wide and nodded. “Great.”</p><p> </p><p>Juliet disappeared to her bathroom, then returned a few minutes later, any traces of a breakdown gone completely. Together, her and Magnum headed down to the beach with the Dobermans in tow. Kumu, Rick, and TC all looked surprised, but delighted to see her. None of them questioned how she was doing and for that, she was grateful. They already knew and avoided the topic all together. Unfortunately, Kumu immediately observed her poking at the food on her plate and not actually eating it and inquired why.</p><p> </p><p>The majordomo shrugged and told her, “I’m not that hungry.”</p><p> </p><p>“You haven’t touched your food at all, Jules,” Rick unnecessarily pointed out.</p><p> </p><p>Higgins could feel her fight or flight response arising and she was starting to wish she had rejected the PI’s request to join them for dinner. A single glance in her direction and Magnum could practically see her heart leap into her throat.</p><p> </p><p>“I think she ate earlier,” he supplied and she hurriedly nodded in agreement, her vision swimming briefly.</p><p> </p><p>They didn’t appear to buy the halfhearted excuse.</p><p> </p><p>“You know you can tell us anything, Higgy,” TC reminded her gently.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Enough was enough. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t need to explain myself to anyone!” she snapped, pushing away from the table, and shooting out of the chair to her feet.</p><p> </p><p>Magnum raised his hands. “Hey, hey, hey.”</p><p> </p><p>Her head jerked to the left at the sound of his voice and spots danced in front of her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right,” he assented. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.”</p><p> </p><p>“We didn’t mean to pry,” Rick added.</p><p> </p><p>Kumu chimed in. “We’re just worried about you, Juliet. That’s all.”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop worrying,” Higgins retorted, hands unconsciously gripping the edge of the table. “I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>The PI watched as she began to sway and he casually got up from his chair. “Higgy.”</p><p> </p><p>Everything sounded muffled and colors merged until they were a giant blur. Her self awareness was all of a sudden nonexistent and next thing everyone knew, Higgins collapsed, and Magnum’s trusty reflexes had him lunging forward to catch her. He excused himself to carry her back to the main house and to her room. Of course, Zeus and Apollo were close by.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” she mumbled once she was in her bed. “I didn’t mean to ruin dinner. You should go and eat with everyone. I’ll be—”</p><p> </p><p>“Fine?”</p><p> </p><p>And it wasn’t meant to make her feel guilty or any more rotten, but it did.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought I would be able to handle this all on my own, but I guess since I’ve been avoiding these emotions for five years now, they ultimately caught up to me.” She sighed. “I can’t eat because my stomach has been in knots for two days and I didn’t sleep too well last night. Your chest feeling like it’s going to cave in every breath you take would keep anyone from a good night’s sleep, I suppose. My head wasn’t faring too much better either.”</p><p> </p><p>The admissions both shocked and pained him, though it also made him glad to hear her opening up.</p><p> </p><p>“I dreamt of him earlier.” Tears spilled over her eyes. “Then I woke up and he was gone again. But you were here and….and that made it hurt a little less.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry for your loss, Juliet.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Thomas.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want me to go?” <em> I don’t want to leave you. </em></p><p> </p><p>“No,” she confessed. “Actually, could you….could you hold me?” And she rushed to add, “Just until I fall asleep.” <em> I don’t want to be alone. </em> “But you don’t have to if it’ll be too weird for you or make you—”</p><p> </p><p>“Higgy,” he stopped her outpour of words.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t mind.” He would do whatever she needed him to if it put her at ease.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.” That ended up being less awkward than her scrambled brain had conceptualized. “Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“Really,” he confirmed. “Want me to text everyone and let them know you’ll be alright?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure.”</p><p> </p><p>He pulled his phone from his shorts’ pocket and sent a text out to <em> The Ohana Thread. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Magnum (9:28pm): Today’s been a rough one, but our girl is gonna be okay. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> TC (9:28pm): Tell her we got her if she needs anything. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Rick (9:29pm): Whatever it is. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kumu (9:29pm): And of course, remind her we love her. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Magnum (9:30pm): I will. See you all tomorrow. Mahalo, everyone. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“They said to tell you if you need anything, they’ve got you, and to remind you that they love you,” he relayed, silencing his cell, and placing it face down on her nightstand.</p><p> </p><p>The tiniest of smiles tugged at the corner of her lips. She truly couldn’t have found a better ohana.</p><p> </p><p>Zeus and Apollo’s heads tilted to the side in bewilderment as the PI they merely tolerated kicked his shoes off and climbed onto the bed next to their dearest mistress. Nonetheless, they remained silent and watched him get situated before joining them on the bed. Magnum lay on his side behind Higgins, arms gradually encircling her, and hands resting flat on her taut stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Simply his touch alone encompassing her had her body relaxing tremendously and a sense of tranquility settling over her. “Mmhmm.” Her heavy eyelids succumbed to the overwhelming drowsiness and closed.</p><p> </p><p>“Good. Let me know if I need to move or you get uncomfortable.”</p><p> </p><p>Juliet didn’t reply verbally, only intertwined their fingers, and sunk into him. His chest rose and fell steadily against her back and she listened to and felt for his breathing to match it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Inhale. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Exhale. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Inhale. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Exhale. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The lads curled up at their feet, content with Higgins’ newfound peace, even if it was a result of the annoying two legs currently holding her in his arms.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” she whispered, welcoming the dreamless sleep that was prepared to consume her.</p><p> </p><p>“Anything for you, Higgy.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Once again, projecting my trauma onto one of my faves through my writing. Oops?</p><p>Kinda wrote this from the personal experience of losing a loved one. Five years ago, I lost my grandmother to death and it never gets easier no matter how much time passes.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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